Despite what it might seem like on the surface, through the stories you’ve been told by personal development gurus and seen on the nightly news, the problems and challenges faced by Men aren’t multi-faceted, multi-dimensional, socially manifested distasters.
There aren’t hundreds of different issues that need to be addressed by hundreds of different and individually tailored solutions.
There is only one problem.
One simple, single, core issue that’s responsible for the pain, frustration, disappointment, and hopelessness.
What is it? Well, to understand it, you have to understand something about to internal drives and desires of Men. And to do that, we have to go back to the core.
What do Men really want?
For centuries, people have pondered the mysteries of life.
– Where did we come from?
– How did we form?
– Where are we going?
And most importantly, what do we want?
Whilst the first three are hotly debate topics with many different people backing many different opinions, the fourth is much simpler to answer.
It’s plastered across billboards, blasted at you through TV screens, and it screams at you from every second page of most glossy magazines.
We desire: Experience.
We want to feel… Happiness, excitement, love, connection, freedom, passion, power, and move away from any experience that feels wrong.
Whilst you might think that our evolution has made humans logical and thought based creatures, we still can’t escape our mammalian desires.
Whilst we can use logic to solve problems and create the greatest constructions this earth as ever seen, the deep drives that fuel these achievements is experience.
Here’s a simple experiment you can try to see this in action.
Think of an object our outcome you’d like: maybe a job you’ve always dreamed of, a competition you want to win, or even a girl you’d like to have in your life.
Then, as you’re thinking about it, ask yourself one simple question: In this moment, why do I want this?
Don’t drift off into explanations about evolutionary psychology or social conditioning, just focus on your present moment desires.
In this moment, why do I want this?
In this moment, why do I want this?
In this moment, why do I want this?
Keep going down until you get to “…because I want to feel xxxxxx”
Then, when you’re at that level, ask yourself one more time: “In this moment, why do I want to feel xxxx?”
There’s only one place to go from there: “Because it feels good.”
You might be surprised to hear this but this is something that one group of people have known for a VERY long time and have actively exploited it for their gain.
No, it’s not personal development gurus or psychologists. It’s the last place you’d think of that also, the most obvious group when you really sit down and think about it.
It’s advertisers.
Have a look at any really successful advertising campaign. What makes it so powerful?
– Is it the long and detailed lists of components that went into each product?
– Is it the wide variety of colours you can purchase the product in?
– Is it the dry and monotone narrator explains all the features of the company warehouse where it was made?
– Is it the cold hard facts about the sales process?
Or is it something deeper? Is it something very powerful, real, and visceral?
Advertisers don’t sell you on a facts, figures, stats, and information, they sell you on experience.
Watch this Ferarri ad:
This is a car that actually has the technical specifications to blow most cars out of the water, yet there wasn’t one mention of what’s under the hood.
Instead, they sold something else.
The lines and curves, the open road, the roar of the engine, the drifting in and out of lanes, exotic locations… They didn’t sell you on stats and figures, they sold you on experience. They sold you on sex appeal, on power, on freedom, on excitement, on adventure.
They sold you on everything you currently don’t have in your life but want.
Here’s another example. See if you can work out what they’re selling before you get to the end.
You might guess sun glasses, but you’d be wrong. They’re selling a lifestyle. They’re selling a world that’s out of reach to most Men. And most importantly, they’re selling the experience of what it’s like to exist in that world.
They’re selling the feeling of power or importance… They’re selling you on the feeling of being a Man.
Have a look at any powerful, moving, and inspiring advertising campaign and you’ll see that marketers and advertisers have known something about people for a very long time that most personal development guru’s still haven’t worked out.
Why does this matter at all?
Good question.
If the core desire behind any decision you make is to experience something – whether that be have more positive experiences or less negative experiences – then what does this mean for the guys you coach (as well as for your life)?
It means that every decision you make in your life and the guys you’re coaching make in their life, is to move closer to or further away from an experience.
Every one.
On some level, even if you don’t recognise it or aren’t consciously aware of it at this point in time, you’re attempting to move towards an experience or away from it.
The experience might change over the day, the hour, or even the minute, but there’s a driving factor.
This is the reason you eat the food you eat and drink the drinks you drink. This is the reason you chose not to approach that woman in the street and why you’re beating yourself up about now. This is the reason you chose that job and why you’re trying to find a new one right now. It’s all about experience.
This is the reason your client ate the food he ate and drinks the drinks he drinks. This is the reason he chose not to approach that woman in the street and why he’s beating himself up about it now. this is the reason he chose the job he’s working and why he’s trying to find a new one right now. It’s all about experience.
Now, this in itself isn’t the problem faced by Men. Desiring experience is fine in itself. The real problem is something related to this.
You see, desiring acceptance or power or significance isn’t a problem. It’s not going to get you in any trouble or put up any barriers.
The problems, frustrations, and pains that your clients experience is to do with how they try and fulfil those desires.
You can try and experience acceptance by changing who you are so that other people will like you or you can try to experience acceptance by expressing yourself openly and finding people who like you for who you are.
If you try to experience acceptance by changing yourself so that people like you, you’re going to face all the challenges that come with having to be someone different around every person, every time you see them, and then only getting the approval from people who like people who change who they are to please them.
If you try to experience acceptance by expressing yourself openly and finding other people who like you for who you are, then you’re going to experience the challenges that come with trying to find the kind of people who accept people who express themselves openly.
Each pathway has it’s own unique set of barriers and frustrations that you’ll need to overcome to experience what you want.
Stop and think about this for a second: What challenges would a person face when trying to change themselves constantly so that people accept and like them? And how would they change if they decided to express themselves openly and gravitate towards people who accept and like them for who they are?
You can try and experience power by proving how much better you are than other people or you can try and experience power by leaning over your edge and challenging your fears head on.
If you try to experience power by proving how much better you are than other people then you’re going to face all the challenges that come with trying to be better than everyone else, all the time, and then constantly having to prove that so you feel good about yourself.
If you try to experience power by leaning over your edge and challenging your fear then you’re going to experience all the challenges that come from actually overcoming your fears and having to find more to push through.
Each pathway has it’s own unique set of barriers and frustrations that you’ll need to overcome to experience what you want.
Stop and think about this for a second: What challenges would a guy face if he tried to experience power by proving how much better he was than everyone else? And how would those challenges change if he tried to experience power by challenging his personal fear and limitations?
You can try and experience significance by demonstrating how successful you are to other people or you can try to experience significance by making a real difference in the lives of others.
If you try to experience significance by demonstrating how successful you are to other people then you’re going to face all the challenges that come from not only excelling at various activities and endeavours but also finding people who’re willing to validate you for your successes.
If you try to experience significance by making a real difference to the lives of others then you’re going to face all the challenges that come with identifying a challenge that others are facing and be able to provide the support they need.
Each pathway has it’s own unique set of barriers and frustrations that you’ll need to overcome to experience what you want.
Stop and think about this for a second: What challenges and barriers would a guy face if he tried to experience significance by demonstrating to successful he was to other people? And how would they change if he focussed on trying to make a difference to peoples lives?
The problems that Men face have nothing to do with what they’re currently experiencing or what they want to experience, they all stem from how they try and bridge that gap.
Whichever pathway he’s following to experience freedom, connection, significance, acceptance, self-worth, or whatever else he’s chasing, determines what barriers, problems, frustrations, and disappointments he goes through. It determines the story of his life.
This simple three part mechanism – how you feel, how you want to feel, and how you’re trying to bridge the gap – is called your Script.
But it’s not a guys Script that’s a problem. As you can see in the examples above, there are some Scripts that are FAR more functional than others whilst other Scripts create huge amounts of issues and challenges.
The problem with Men occur when they have a Script that puts their desired experience outside the realm of their control and means they have to rely on others to give them what they want.
These are the Scripts that mean guys are waiting for women to laugh at their jokes, for their family to approve of their lifestyle choices, for their friends to be impressed with the girl on their arm, and so on.
The Real Problem with Men
These dysfunctional Scripts all leave Men needing something from someone or something external and so fall under the category of Scripts called Dependence.
A Dependent Script is one that means a Man needs on something outside himself to experience what he wants.
It might be permission from his friends to do what he wants and be free, it might be direction from his family as to where he should go and what he should do, it might be the smile and nod of approval from a guy he’s never met before as he checks out the girl on his arm.
It could be any number of different external elements, but all Dependent Scripts have one thing in common: they rely on something outside of the control of the guy to experience what he wants.
It’s this external reliance that’s at the root of his issues.
Can you ever guarantee that someone is going to like the way you dress? No, but even if you could, could you ever guarantee that EVERYONE is going to like the way you dress? No, of course not.
So if you clients Script is that he feels insignificant, wants to feel significant, and the way he’s doing it is by getting positive responses from people on the way he dresses, how much control is he going to have over how significant he feels?
Is he ever going to be able to wake up with a deep sense of significance?
Is he ever going to be able to carry himself with that deep sense of calm that only comes from knowing that you made a difference?
Is he ever going to be able to smile in the face of rejection of criticism knowing that it doesn’t matter what other people think?
Dependence is the problem with Men.
This is the only challenge they’re facing.
There’s no problem with drinking. There’s a problem with Men relying on alcohol to bridge the gap between how they currently feel and how they want to feel.
There’s no problem with drugs. There’s a problem with Men relying on drugs to bridge the gap between how they currently feel and how they want to feel.
There’s no problem with violence. There’s a problem with Men feeling like violence is the only way to bridge the gap between how they currently feel and how they want to feel.
There’s no problem with guns. There’s a problem with Men feeling like they need guns to bridge the gap between how they currently feel and how they want to feel.
There’s no problem with corporate greed. There’s a problem with Men feeling like they need far more money than they could ever use to bridge the gap between how they currently feel and how they want to feel.
The list goes on.
There is no crisis that’s plaguing the hearts of Men other than a dysfunctional Script.
If at any point in time, your experience of life is dependent on how someone reacts to you or how they treat you, then you’re not in control. You’re a victim. You’re powerless. You’re forced to wait on the sidelines till whoever or whatever you’re depending on decides that it’s time to give you what you want.
If they ever decide to…
The Real Solution for Men
What if instead of depending on something external to him to make him feel significant, he had a script that allowed him to feel significant through the way he lived his life and the actions he took?
What if, instead of relying on polite approval from people around him, the guy in the last example sourced his sense of significance from supporting, guiding, and teaching people who have less than he does?
What problems and challenges would he face then?
What if his sense of significance came from saving lives at his local surf living saving club?
What problems and challenges would he face then?
What if his sense of significance came from teaching young kids how to overcome the personal limitations through coaching soccer?
What problems and challenges would he face then?
What would change if his Script allowed him to feel significant, independently of how the world responded to him?
If the problem with Men is Dependence, then the solution is simple.
It’s not telling him to ignore his desire to feel significant. It’s not repeating mantras in the mirror in an attempt to convince himself that he is already significant. It’s not trying to meditate away the pain of his existence and reach a higher plane where feelings of insignificance aren’t an issue.
The solution is to find a way to experience significance in a way that doesn’t depend on how nicely people smile at you and what they think of your brand new sweater.
The solution to Dependence is to become Independent.
The solution is to find a way to experience significance through the way you live your life and the actions you take, regardless of how people respond to you.
The solution is to find a way to experience connection independently of how much other people open up to you first.
The solution is to find a way to experience freedom independently of the amount of alcohol you can get your hands on. .
The solution is to find a way to feel powerful independently of whether or not other people do what you want.
Dependence is the problem, Independence is the solution.
In Conclusion
The real problem with Men is that the have a Dependent Script. This is the challenge that you, as a Men’s Coach, need to help them overcome.
This will be your job.
Now, whilst this might sound simple, the actual coaching process has more subtle nuances than you might imagine.
If you think you’re ready to start helping Men make a difference to their lives but aren’t sure how to start the coaching process, then you need to read this:
